How To: Waste 20 Minutes in a Parking Lot

This is the first in the series, "How To:... / How NOT To:... Education and prevention is my goal.

Preparation:
#1: Snowy ground is a must for this project. Also, if a slight warm-up leading to slight melting conditions has transpired, all the better.

#2: You must own a small, front-wheel drive car with four-year-old tires. This is not optional!

#3: Find a parking lot that conforms to the following conditions: a) is unplowed, b) has snow-packed ruts from previous parkers, and c) contains piles of five-inch deep of melting, squishy and all-around wet snow. (The need for this final element will come into play later in the activity.)

#4: Park the car from step #2 in a parking spot next to a curb. It's also best if you don't realize the curb actually exists.

#5: Leave your car in said spot for over two hours. At night. In freezing weather.

Here's where the project gets interesting:

#6: Return to your car. It must be dark for this part to work correctly. Being completely unprepared for winter weather is also acceptable at this stage. (i.e. Flats with cutouts instead of sturdy winter boots would be ideal.)

#7: Enter vehicle, remove shoes, shake out wet snow (remember, you have cutouts in the sides of your footwear) and start your engine. Remember, it must be night for best results.

#8: Back up two inches, then watch snow spray up from under the front of your car.

#9: Go forward 12 inches.

Repeat steps #8 and #9 a minimum of 15 times, knowing that the next time you repeat, you will successfully leave your spot.

#10: Realize that steps #8 and #9 do not work.

#11: Look around your car for a shoveling implement. Find old Starbucks cup, windshield scraper, an empty purse and cell phone charger.

#12: Decide on windshield scraper as best option.

#13: Step out of car, into snow drift (remember footwear from step #6).

#14: Remove snow from behind each tire. Wonder why the asphalt looks so shiny. Then dismiss thought.

Repeat steps #7, #8 and #9 about 30 times. Get increasingly frustrated.

#15: Switch radio over to soothing classical music station. Take seven deep breaths.

Repeat steps #13 and #14.

#16: Realize, on closer inspection, that "shiny asphalt" should have registered as ice in brain.

#17: Come close to tears.

#18: See a couple of freshmen (one girl and one boy) making out across the way.

#19: Interrupt passionate rendezvous with whiney pleas for help and effusive apologies for the interruption.

#20: Try not to laugh as scrawny (boy) freshman pushes and pushes and almost falls on his face after the tires hit pavement and car bolts backwards.

#21: Be as grateful as possible to your scrawny savior and wonder at freshmen's ability to pick right back up where they left off.

#22: Realize you almost backed into a giant red truck on exiting the parking spot.

#23: Drive away slowly, vowing to never again park in snow. (But, vow to continue wearing impractical shoes at every opportunity.)

Now you know how to spend a few extra minutes in a parking lot near you.

Glad to be of service!